What do you say when someone dies that you used to idolize when you were younger? It’s been 13 years since we last spoke, and those last words were not exactly sentimental or worth repeating right now. I knew her death was coming. I had been dreaming about it for months. I wondered if those dreams were God’s way of telling me I that I needed to make peace with her, for what she did. Or maybe it was to make peace with myself. I’m not quite sure.

Finding out that she had passed really didn’t shake me up like I thought it would. Is that bad? Not sure what I expected really. Maybe to cry a little bit. Maybe to feel some guilt for writing her out of my life, shutting the door, locking it up, and permanently losing that key. Nope, nothing. I don’t feel anything. Am I not human? Or am I so angry and bitter, that I can’t get past the hell that she put the family through?

When I was little kid, I idolized her. So did my cousins. We thought she was perfect. She was the best woman we knew. She took care of us, and gave us everything we wanted. She could do no wrong. Ha! Boy was we wrong. We had no idea the mean and nasty demons that lived within her. We were oblivious to the things she had done to our parents and to others. We didn’t know. We were clueless. We loved her.

But then we grew up, and could see it for ourselves. The stories our parents told, that we once thought were lies, were a hard naked truth. Eventually one’s true colors really shine through. It may take a long time to see it, but eventually you will. And we did.

How can I forgive her for what she did to my mom? How can I forgive her for the way she treated her? This woman was truly one of the meanest, most narcissistic, unsympathetic people I have ever known. The lies, the horrible things she did to my mom throughout her life. The tears I watched my own mother shed because of this woman. My mom didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of it. How horrible it must have been for her to have a mother like that. It breaks my heart thinking about it now. Then when my mom passed away, this woman wouldn’t even go to her own daughter’s funeral, or her son’s, or her mothers. And her lame excuses…puke me, please. I can’t even….

Am I going to go and pay my last respects? I have no respects to pay. I have nothing to give. I have anger and hate built up inside me, that I kept buried deep, and it has finally manifested itself into this rage that is threatening to rip right through me. I can’t go to her funeral. I can’t go for the same reasons I couldn’t speak to her ever again right after my own mother passed away.

I know that these feelings towards her are vile and can poison a person’s soul. And I’m sure some who are reading this are probably gasping… “How can she write something so horrible about the deceased?” “She should be ashamed of herself.” Save it, because I’m not. And I don’t give a damn about what you think either. That woman didn’t give a damn when she emotionally abused my mother and her brother. When she toyed with other people’s feelings and lives. Do you think she gave one solid Fuck? Nope, none. I’d take that to the bank.

Last I knew, she spent most of her remaining time alone. She lost her daughter, her son, her mother. She pushed away her grandkids. But you know what they say, what goes around comes around…

I wonder if my mom and her brother met her at the gates of Heaven. Then again, after the way she treated them, is she even in Heaven? But when it comes to that, I am going to try and not judge because I don’t know what her relationship with God was like in her final days. Maybe she made peace with God and was forgiven for all the hell she unleashed on the family. Or maybe she wasn’t. She would have to acknowledge she even did anything wrong and be truly sorry for it. That would be a God given miracle, if I ever did see one…

So what was the point in this? I’m not really sure. Maybe I just needed to let it all out. Maybe I just needed a way to vent my anger towards her, after everything she did. I do know one good thing that I learned from her, and that was how to NEVER to treat my own children. I know I sound cold and heartless, but I can’t help how I feel. May God have mercy on her soul. Maybe he already has. I hope so, for her sake.

When I was asked last night how I felt and if I was going to her funeral, my response was this: When my mother passed away, she died with her. It’s just taken 13 years to bury her.

I just have to get this out because it is something that is really bothering me. As everyone knows many retailers have started their Black Friday deals on the evening of Thanksgiving. And now I see some retailers backing up their times to mid and early afternoon now. Will you please just F-ing stop!? I mean seriously!

What I hate most about this, is that there are many people who have strict budgets that they have to stick by, and when the Black Friday deals hit, for some people, they have to choose between spending Thanksgiving with family, or rushing out to start their Christmas shopping early because if they wait, everything will be picked through or out of stock. That new expensive toy their child wants so badly but their parent can’t afford any other time of year, and etc. Many people count on and need these price cuts. Which is okay, BUT, why in the hell can’t  Black Friday stay on Black Friday!??!!? Why can’t we go back to being able to relax and enjoy our families ALL of Thanksgiving day without the pressure and worry of having to get that Christmas shopping done? Many families don’t get together much anymore except at the holidays. Nothing in those stores can replace those precious memories. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Spend Thanksgiving with your family and enjoy them.

What does it hurt to wait until Black FRIDAY to actually do Black Friday Christmas Shopping??? Why are retailers doing this to people? All I can think is what Assholes they are! Yes, I just said that.

As for those retailers who refuse to participate in Black Friday on Thanksgiving, I want to say THANK YOU for having the decency to let people put their families first and enjoy each other. At least you know what the true meaning of this holiday season is all about.
*Drops Mic

“Would you write a blog post for me? Where you talk about how you’ve helped me?” – Ben

I’ve sat on this for a few days, trying to decide how to even begin this. What should I say? Well, I’m not quite sure, so I’ll just start with this; Ben is a friend of mine. His name has been changed to protect his true identity.

Our friendship started over common ground, as does most; our love for writing. If you’re a writer yourself, you know how deep a writer’s soul can be. The imagination, secrets, and demons that we all harbor, that try to force their way out in way or another. I’m not sure what caused Ben’s path to cross mine, other than he needed a friend. Not just any friend though. He needed a friend that would not judge him; someone who would deliver the raw honest truth when asked for it. He didn’t know that I would exhibit those traits at first, but obviously I crossed his path for a reason.

Ben is about to be married to someone he loves very deeply. They have a very young child together. On the outside, to everyone else, they probably appear to be a very happy couple on their way to wedded bliss. Upon the birth of this child, Ben was elated. He couldn’t wait for the baby to arrive. And after the baby did, anytime you asked Ben how he was doing or how was the baby, his response was always “Perfect.” When he spoke those words, I knew he was being honest and believed it to be true. At the very moment at least, life was perfect. But things are not always as they appear.

I’ve kept a small detail to myself, one that is very important, and I knew from the get go of the start of my friendship with Ben; and that is that Ben is gay.

Let that one sink in for a moment. Now, I’m not one to judge or criticize someone being gay. Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It’s not that Ben being gay is the issue. The issue is that he is about to marry and commit himself to the mother of his child and give up his own wants and needs because he must do the right thing by them.

Ben and his fiancé were longtime friends that became romantic with each other. He told me she was his best friend. Then she becomes pregnant and a wedding is planned for some time after the birth of their baby. Baby has been born, and it’s almost time for the wedding. And Ben is coming apart, on the inside.

As the wedding nears, his anxiety is heightened. Deep down he is miserable. And it’s not that his fiancé has done anything wrong. He loves her very much. But he’s not in love with her. At the end of the day, she’s not able to provide him the loving relationship that he truly craves with another man.

Ben has confided in me these things. He has poured his heart out to me, asking me what to do. Unfortunately, I don’t have advice to give. I’ve told him that there is nothing wrong with being gay. That his choosing to put aside his own feelings so that he can be with the mother of his child and raise the family together, is actually a very noble thing. But I’ve also warned him that he may be setting himself up for years of misery that will eventually harbor resentment. Over time it may come out in various ways that can become toxic to him and his soon to be wife.

In his moments of panic, I’ve listened to him come apart, and then tried to help him put the pieces back together again. He has thanked me numerous times for listening and not judging. The world is a cruel place, who am I to judge on something like this. When he asked me to write a blog post, talking about how I’ve helped him, I was perplexed. I don’t know that I’ve helped much other than being that non-judgmental friend who acts as a sounding board and doesn’t sugar coat the truth. I am known for my radical honesty at times.

But I think Ben asking me to write this goes deeper than what you see on the surface. Maybe this is Ben’s way of letting the world know his secret, without telling it himself. Opening up and laying it out for the world to see, while hiding behind the shaded truth.

Ben, as your friend, I will tell you this. If you’re not true to yourself, and who you really are, then the foundation of what you are doing is built on a lie. As you seek bits and pieces of what’s missing from your current relationship, from other men, you’re also breaking apart the commitment that you are about to make, piece by piece. You are choosing to live life as someone you are not. You are finding out just how hard this will be, and you haven’t even said “I do” yet. This isn’t a matter of “if”, it’s more of a matter of “when”. And the consequences will be worse and far bigger than what they would have been, if you had just been honest from the beginning. Not only are you cheating yourself out of happiness, but ultimately, you are her too. If this comes out, both of you will have wasted such precious time and missed out on being with the person who you can truly love whole-heartedly, and can love you back, the way you deserve to be loved. That will be the biggest tragedy in all this.

Whatever decision you make in the end, and you’ve made it quite clear that you are going through with the wedding because you cannot destroy your fiancé or your baby’s lives, please keep these two things in mind. One, you’re making a huge sacrifice that will cause much more hurt and anguish down the road if this ever comes out. And two, these things always find a way of coming out… Life is too short to live for someone else, while on the inside, you are slowly dying. ~

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the people mentioned in this post.

Writing is supposed to be very therapeutic. It’s a way to purge yourself. I’ve spent weeks with so much bottled up inside me. There are days I just want to escape myself, but I can’t. So here I am, finally doing what I know to be true, which is writing is therapeutic. And right now I need this. So before you keep reading, know that I am about to purge the war that has been brewing inside me for weeks, even months. If you don’t want to read what is about to sound like a negative whine-fest; then please just stop now. Otherwise, sit back, relax, and maybe grab a bottle of wine before you continue on…

Today sucks. Today I hurt and I’m sick. I take my Methotrexate on Saturday evenings before I go to bed, in hopes to sleep through the worst of it. Then I spend my Sundays sick to my stomach, and feeling like I am drunk. It’s a fog I can’t break through. I know that come Sunday I will be grounded to the house because I can’t drive. If I can drive to church and back, I’m doing good. I don’t trust myself to maneuver a 5000 lb death trap. At least I recognize this and choose to stay home, but it still sucks. —- Having Lupus sucks butt, BIG TIME. I HATE feeling this way. I HATE being 36 years old and feeling like I am trapped in a broken, 100 year old body. I DO NOT enjoy this. AT ALL!

Another thing I hate about Lupus, is being judged. And generally I am one of those ‘No F**ks shall be given about what other people think’ kind of person, but sometimes it really does bother me. For example, my doctor gave me a handicap parking tag for when I hurt so bad I can’t hardly walk. Mornings are always the hardest and in the morning, I park in a handicap parking spot because some days, every step I take makes me want to just cry. I know people look at me and wonder why I do that. I’ve heard what people have said: “That’s just sheer laziness” and “Why the hell is she doing that? There’s nothing wrong with her” … And it’s not like it’s any of their F**KING business anyways, but the ignorance of the small minded that say that stupid S**t, pisses me off to no end. I mean seriously! I don’t enjoy this! I didn’t choose this!

Take the Lupus and mix it with my Introverted nature, I’ve become a hermit. Some days I think I should be living in a cave, in the dark, in the mountains, where there are no people. Since I’ve said the word Introvert, I’ll address that issue next…

Look, here’s the deal, it’s not that I don’t like people, it’s just that I like my alone time. I crave it. If you’re someone I care about, and I’m not keeping in touch with you every day, or even every week, it does NOT mean that I don’t care about you. It’s actually quite the opposite. I DO care, a lot. I think about my friends and family all the time. I pray for all of them, all of you. But keeping in contact exhausts me. Emotionally and physically. I am very sensitive, and I literally can feel and pick up on everything around me. Every person I come in contact with, even if it’s not physical, it doesn’t take me but a couple of seconds to be able to sense what the person is thinking and feeling. I am very in tune with people. I’ve heard the term ‘Empath’ and did some research on it. And if it’s a real thing, it’s totally me. So take that, and being an introvert, peopling can be very hard for me.

I am constantly torn between wanting to go out and do something, and wanting to stay in. If I could go out and do my thing, alone, and not have to interact with people unless I want to, then I’d be very happy… that’s a tall order of impossible though, isn’t it? I do have a couple of people that I enjoy spending time with. And when I do, I am always very thankful that I did because I do enjoy their company very much.

Sara, I love her to pieces, and we’re related, but I get tired of her comments about how “the highway runs both ways”. I know that. I wasn’t born yesterday. But that highway is very long. A three-hour drive doesn’t appeal to me. And I don’t feel good. It hurts to sit in a car that long. And then to have to people the whole time I’m there. I can’t escape to a quiet place when I need to. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her, and that I don’t care. But in my condition, I just can’t do it. Yes, I recognize that she makes a trip down here every so often. And yes, I recognize that it’s a lot for her, to pack up the kids and bring them here. And I yes, I do love it when I get to see her, but I also need her to understand how I’m feeling right now and why I am not going to get in my car and drive up there any time soon. It’s not personal, it’s just not going to happen. And meeting somewhere, halfway between here and there may sound fun to her, but to me, it sounds like a nightmare. I don’t want to spend the day in the middle of a crowded city full of people and chaos. And if I did, I want to be able escape when I’m ready. Not feel obligated to stay all day so that I don’t disappoint her. I just can’t do that all day. Physically and emotionally, I just can’t. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love her; but I’m different than she is and right now, I have to take care of me.

Then there is Jill. What bothers me about Jill is that she likes to talk, a lot. She wants me to call, all the time. But when I do, it’s not like we can chat for a little bit and hang up. No, it’s a few hours of her talking, and me listening, with a couple of “un-huhs” thrown in here and there on my part. And if I’m not saying much, then it’s assumed that something is wrong with me. The only thing wrong with me is that I don’t like talking on the phone. Not that much anyways. An occasional phone call, like once a month, and I’m good. It’s not personal, it’s just that I don’t have a lot to say, and talking on the phone exhausts me. Jill is very extroverted. She is like a social butterfly. I, on the hand, am the butterfly that wants to stay tucked away in the cocoon.

Cindy-if I get started on Cindy, I won’t stop. That is a whole book in itself. But her passive aggressive bullshit finally got on my last nerve. And her holier than thou, and fake sincerity makes me want to vomit all over her existence. I have tried and tried with that woman. I really have. Probably more so than she deserves. But you know what? I’m 36 years old and I choose not to try anymore. I don’t want to and I don’t have to. Good-bye Cindy.

Melanie…I miss her so much. I miss talking to her. I know she has a family now, and I know life gets busy. I get it, I really do. But it’s been months, since I’ve seen or had a full conversation with her. And I admit, I feel like I was put in the backburner. Even the texting is far and few between. I won’t go into the dynamics of this relationship, or the hurt I am starting to feel, but if she reads this I hope she knows how I much I do love her, and miss her.

Next up, my writing. Where do I even begin on this one? I love to write, I really do. But lately, I am struggling with it. I am writing my 3rd book and it’s tough. I love this story, and I have it all outlined, and I know exactly how I’m going to drive it home…. But I’m having trouble writing it. I know I need to. In fact, I have that inner voice screaming at me to sit down and write. It’s always there, burning from the inside out. Authors and writers, you know exactly what I’m talking about. But am I stuck in such a funk right now? I have a couple of ideas, but I still feel like something is missing.

Writing is hard people! Okay, wait… I take that back. ‘After you have written the story’ THAT is hard people! Lol…. Seriously. And I’m not talking about the editing and book cover design and etc. All of that takes work, but it’s just tedious in my opinion. What I’m talking about is the marketing, getting the book out there, getting people to read it…. And then, keeping up on social media. Engaging your readers. Oh, and did I mention marketing in all that? ‘If you write it, they will come.’ NOPE. Not even true. Being an Indie Author is both hard, and at times disappointing and discouraging. For those of you that do this, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And being extremely Introverted just adds to the stress of having to keep up with it all. I wish so badly that I could land a publishing contact with a major publishing house and let them worry about the hard stuff. If I didn’t work a full time job, and actually had the time to invest the way that I need to, to be successful, that would definitely help. But even that isn’t a guarantee. I know it can take years before your work is really out there and well known. But even after those years pass, it is still not a guarantee that you’ll ever amount to anything. I know many authors feel this way. And many ask themselves why do they keep writing when the return is very minimal. I know I do. God knows I have wanted to throw my hands up many times and say “Screw It”. Why don’t I? Good question… It’s because I can’t. Because deep down inside me, there is something that pulls and pushes at me to write. It’s part of who I am. It’s part of who all of us, that are writers, are. We can’t put it into words, but we know we have to write, just like we have to breathe, to live. I both love and hate this about myself.

Life is hard people. It really is. But I know most of you know this. It’s hard being a mother, raising a family, working full time, trying to write in my spare time (what is spare time?!), and balancing all of it so that I don’t go insane. Then having Lupus on top of that? Gahhh! I just want to scream! I’m stressed and tired. So very tired. And I know I sound like I’m giving myself a pity party right now, but I have also gone so long keeping all this bottled up inside. I needed to just get it out. And writing is the what works best for me. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life. I know life isn’t perfect and it’s full of trials and tribulations; and I know that things could always be worse, and so on. And don’t get me wrong, I have many blessings to be thankful for, and I do thank God for those blessings every day. But right now, I’m stuck in a total funk and don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I’m just tired of all the bullshit and drama. And now…..

Now I’m tired of writing this. I feel like I’ve put a lot out here. I have mostly purged the things that I have kept bottled up inside for some time now. I feel some relief. There are a few other things I wish that I could say out loud, but we all have demons that truly are best kept hidden away where only we get to see and deal with them.

Now that that’s over, I need to work on my novel. But I put so much energy into writing this, I don’t have the energy to write that. *Facepalm* Life is hard……

I know I’ve been MIA lately, and haven’t been putting much out here on my blog, or had much of a presence in social media and so on, but I am still here and very much alive. Well, kind of alive. If you’ve read my blog entry that I posted February 22nd, titled The only thing strong enough to kick my own arse, is me, then you’re in the know as to what has been happening with my health. But putting all that aside, I wanted to let you know I’m very excited about the novel I’m currently writing.

After I finished writing Raven’s Undoing, I jumped right into writing Kat’s story. I made it almost through chapter one, and then my muse stopped talking. I worked on chapter one for THREE months; three months of silence because I couldn’t get my muse to talk to me. I just wasn’t feeling it. And if you’re a writer, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not feeling it, and your muse isn’t talking, then you got nothing. It can’t be forced, and if it is, it will probably be crap when it’s done.

However, in the meantime, I’ve had a different story brewing in the back of my mind. And after venting my frustrations to a couple of other authors, one in particular told me to put aside Kat’s story and write something else. AND it doesn’t have to a Snowhaven Novel; you can always come back to that later. *Gasps* Put aside Kat’s story??? Abandon Snowhaven? But I’ve just begun to create this world, and Kat’s story needs to be told! That was my argument. The author’s reply to me was, “Well, obviously it doesn’t need to be told right now because your muse isn’t talking to you about it.” *Shrugs shoulders and hangs head in defeat* Okay, point made; and a valid one at that.

Unsure of what to do, I tucked away Kat’s story and stopped writing. I picked up a good book and started to read. While I was reading, this other story I’ve been thinking about started to rear its head and the characters started talking, and they just kept getting louder. So, two weeks ago I sat down at the computer and just started to write. In a few short hours, I had all of chapter one written. The more I wrote, the more my inner self was screaming, “Yes! This is it! This is the story you need to be telling right now!” And for the first time in months, I felt alive again and genuinely excited about writing.

No, it’s not a Snowhaven Novel. (My apologies to my Snowhaven fans, but I am going to put that series on hold for just a short period of time.) This book is completely different and will be a full length standalone novel. Also, I am taking a completely different approach to writing this book, and all around, it is very different from what I’m used to writing.

After I finished writing the first chapter, feeling unsure of myself, I asked a dear friend who is also a blogger, editor, and very talented writer herself to read the chapter and give me her honest feedback before I kept moving forward with the story. As soon as she was done reading it, she messaged me and said, “No lie, it’s fantastic. For a first draft it’s truly perfect. The end of the chapter really grabs you, as it should. You go girl. I’m having story envy. Lol. It feels like it just pours out of you…”

After receiving her feedback, it totally inspired me and gave me the confidence I need to continue writing this story the way I have intended. Seriously people, I am in love with this book, and I am just getting started!

When I started this journey to write a novel, I really did not fully understand what it all entailed to become an Indie Author. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I admit, I still don’t truly grasp the concept yet because I am just wrapping up my first book. I still have to have it edited, a cover designed, get my ISBN, decide who to publish through, work on marketing and etc. And I just know that I’m leaving some things out still…..

Anyway, I need to get myself back on track here. The reason I’m writing this is because through this journey I have gained such a respect for Indie Authors. They really put themselves out there. They pour their hearts and souls into their work. I’m not saying that authors who do traditional publishing don’t do the same, but when you’re an Indie Author, you truly are doing it all.

I am learning so much through this process. I have connected with other Indie Authors who have been on this journey for quite some time now and they have been kind enough to share their knowledge with me and also their support. I shamefully admit that it wasn’t until I had a lengthy conversation last week with someone who I am starting to call a friend, the importance of leaving reviews every time you purchase a book from an Indie Author. Those reviews are VERY IMPORTANT and they need them.

Indie Authors need your support. We all need to stick together and support each other and help build each other up. Spread the news about their books. Help promote them. LEAVE REVIEWS WHEN YOU PURCHASE THEIR BOOKS! But most of all show them the utmost respect for their hard work and dedication that they deserve. Even if you’re not impressed with a particular book you’ve read, please don’t tear them down. Everyone has their own opinions’ and what you might find as a very unpleasant and dull read, another might find their own emotions and passions coming alive in the same story.

So as I am diving into this world of blood, sweat, tears, glory, passion, and great reward, I want to say KUDOS to every INDIE AUTHOR out there that is on this journey. And then to the fans that support them, I want to say THANK YOU! Because without you, there would be no US. God Bless! Xx

PS: I want to take the time here to show my support for Author AJ Linn who has written “A Gentleman’s Affair” and “A Gentlemen’s Secret.” A third book is currently in the works. He is an Indie Author who shows great promise and his books are very well written. You will fall in love in Donovan Hart and Scarlett Montgomery. I love that the books are written from a male’s point of view. It gives you a different spin on how men think. You won’t be disappointed!

Also, I want to show my support for Sydney Jamesson. She is the Author of “TouchStone for Play” and
“TouchStone for Giving”. Ayden Stone and Elizabeth Parker will pull you in and you will become addicted to their passion. You won’t want to put it down. It is such an Epic Love Story!

Life happens. It doesn’t slow down or stop just because you’re having a bad day. Life will throw you curveballs. Some days you’ll feel like things just can’t get any better. Other days you will wonder if someone above just really hates you. As you go through life you spend a lot of time looking back and reflecting on the choices you have made. You worry about the choices you are going to make. You worry about things you cannot change or control. And sometimes you don’t change the things that you can or should. When faced with a dilemma, you ask people for advice. Some will give it to you even when you don’t ask. You can try to rationalize it all that you want to in your head. You can look at the pros, and then at the cons. You try to be realistic and look at all possible outcomes. You ultimately drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of everything and listening to what everyone else has to say and think that you should do. But ultimately, the voice that matters the most….the one that has all the answers…..the voice that will tell you what to do if you will just shut up and listen….it doesn’t live in your head….it doesn’t come from your spouse, your family, or even your best friend. The voice comes from within. Only you know what is good for you. Only you can know what the right decision will be for you. If you will stop, wait, and just listen…..you’ll get all the answers that you need. After you get those answers, whether or not they were the answers you were looking for…..that is when you just close your eyes and jump. At that moment you know that the faith that gave you those answers is the same faith that will keep you from falling, but let you fly instead.

Well, here I am and I have no idea what I am doing.  I was advised to start blogging or design my own website to help promote my upcoming book, Ravens Innocence, in which I hope to release this spring.  I only have a few more chapters left to write.  This is something I have always wanted to do, but never thought I really could.  I read all the time.  I love it.  I had so many ideas floating around in my head.  And at times, I take to paper and write down emotions, thoughts, feelings…that turn into some kind of poetry.  Behind my words are always deep feelings or little pieces of truth that tell a story about me…..