All for nothing

I haven’t been out here in a while, and maybe this entry is more like a journal entry than your typical blog entry….but I need to let it out….somehow.

My heart is broken and my head is spinning in confusion. A dream becomes reality, and then your reality shatters all around you. The pain I am feeling right now is not like pain I can honestly say I have ever felt before. And I know that this is only just the beginning of it….

I can’t cry another tear, yet they keep making their escape in the most inconvenient times. I’m trying to keep myself busy. Keep my mind occupied. It’s no use though. The only way I can function is to bury this all deep down and flip that magic little switch that takes me from all feeling to total numbness. Right now, there is no in between.

I tried to work on my book, but my muse is gone….for now. It takes heart and soul for me to write, both of which feel like they have died a thousand deaths over again today. I have nothing left to give right now.

I have always been one who kept my true feelings buried deep. I let very few people in. I shut most everyone out. Even those that claim to know me…they really don’t. They only see what I want them to see. It’s easier that way….

Finally my wall breaks down, little by little. I’m able to really be me. To feel again. To feel alive. To share my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my secrets. To love. Yes….to love…

But now, the pain I feel is almost unbearable. I’m completely shutting down. I don’t know what else to do. This hurts too much. I’m just trying to survive. I’ll slowly start putting the bricks back into place, one by one, brick by brick….

I never want to feel this again. I never want to love again. All the promises…all for nothing…

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2 comments on “All for nothing

  1. One more thing. Nothing is EVER ‘for nothing’ – we don’t always understand the why – I’m still grieving over something that i don’t think I’ll ever get over. But it was worth something. With love and passion comes great risk and great reward. I haven’t resolved the pain entirely, but I’ve learned from it, become better because of it, and nothing involving love is ever wasted. Be well and at peace, Nicki.

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