Bitter Goodbye …

What do you say when someone dies that you used to idolize when you were younger? It’s been 13 years since we last spoke, and those last words were not exactly sentimental or worth repeating right now. I knew her death was coming. I had been dreaming about it for months. I wondered if those dreams were God’s way of telling me I that I needed to make peace with her, for what she did. Or maybe it was to make peace with myself. I’m not quite sure.

Finding out that she had passed really didn’t shake me up like I thought it would. Is that bad? Not sure what I expected really. Maybe to cry a little bit. Maybe to feel some guilt for writing her out of my life, shutting the door, locking it up, and permanently losing that key. Nope, nothing. I don’t feel anything. Am I not human? Or am I so angry and bitter, that I can’t get past the hell that she put the family through?

When I was little kid, I idolized her. So did my cousins. We thought she was perfect. She was the best woman we knew. She took care of us, and gave us everything we wanted. She could do no wrong. Ha! Boy was we wrong. We had no idea the mean and nasty demons that lived within her. We were oblivious to the things she had done to our parents and to others. We didn’t know. We were clueless. We loved her.

But then we grew up, and could see it for ourselves. The stories our parents told, that we once thought were lies, were a hard naked truth. Eventually one’s true colors really shine through. It may take a long time to see it, but eventually you will. And we did.

How can I forgive her for what she did to my mom? How can I forgive her for the way she treated her? This woman was truly one of the meanest, most narcissistic, unsympathetic people I have ever known. The lies, the horrible things she did to my mom throughout her life. The tears I watched my own mother shed because of this woman. My mom didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of it. How horrible it must have been for her to have a mother like that. It breaks my heart thinking about it now. Then when my mom passed away, this woman wouldn’t even go to her own daughter’s funeral, or her son’s, or her mothers. And her lame excuses…puke me, please. I can’t even….

Am I going to go and pay my last respects? I have no respects to pay. I have nothing to give. I have anger and hate built up inside me, that I kept buried deep, and it has finally manifested itself into this rage that is threatening to rip right through me. I can’t go to her funeral. I can’t go for the same reasons I couldn’t speak to her ever again right after my own mother passed away.

I know that these feelings towards her are vile and can poison a person’s soul. And I’m sure some who are reading this are probably gasping… “How can she write something so horrible about the deceased?” “She should be ashamed of herself.” Save it, because I’m not. And I don’t give a damn about what you think either. That woman didn’t give a damn when she emotionally abused my mother and her brother. When she toyed with other people’s feelings and lives. Do you think she gave one solid Fuck? Nope, none. I’d take that to the bank.

Last I knew, she spent most of her remaining time alone. She lost her daughter, her son, her mother. She pushed away her grandkids. But you know what they say, what goes around comes around…

I wonder if my mom and her brother met her at the gates of Heaven. Then again, after the way she treated them, is she even in Heaven? But when it comes to that, I am going to try and not judge because I don’t know what her relationship with God was like in her final days. Maybe she made peace with God and was forgiven for all the hell she unleashed on the family. Or maybe she wasn’t. She would have to acknowledge she even did anything wrong and be truly sorry for it. That would be a God given miracle, if I ever did see one…

So what was the point in this? I’m not really sure. Maybe I just needed to let it all out. Maybe I just needed a way to vent my anger towards her, after everything she did. I do know one good thing that I learned from her, and that was how to NEVER to treat my own children. I know I sound cold and heartless, but I can’t help how I feel. May God have mercy on her soul. Maybe he already has. I hope so, for her sake.

When I was asked last night how I felt and if I was going to her funeral, my response was this: When my mother passed away, she died with her. It’s just taken 13 years to bury her.

​Thanksgiving/Black Friday Rant

I just have to get this out because it is something that is really bothering me. As everyone knows many retailers have started their Black Friday deals on the evening of Thanksgiving. And now I see some retailers backing up their times to mid and early afternoon now. Will you please just F-ing stop!? I mean seriously!

What I hate most about this, is that there are many people who have strict budgets that they have to stick by, and when the Black Friday deals hit, for some people, they have to choose between spending Thanksgiving with family, or rushing out to start their Christmas shopping early because if they wait, everything will be picked through or out of stock. That new expensive toy their child wants so badly but their parent can’t afford any other time of year, and etc. Many people count on and need these price cuts. Which is okay, BUT, why in the hell can’t  Black Friday stay on Black Friday!??!!? Why can’t we go back to being able to relax and enjoy our families ALL of Thanksgiving day without the pressure and worry of having to get that Christmas shopping done? Many families don’t get together much anymore except at the holidays. Nothing in those stores can replace those precious memories. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Spend Thanksgiving with your family and enjoy them.

What does it hurt to wait until Black FRIDAY to actually do Black Friday Christmas Shopping??? Why are retailers doing this to people? All I can think is what Assholes they are! Yes, I just said that.

As for those retailers who refuse to participate in Black Friday on Thanksgiving, I want to say THANK YOU for having the decency to let people put their families first and enjoy each other. At least you know what the true meaning of this holiday season is all about.
*Drops Mic

Field of Passion and Dreams by Jacqueline Anne – Has Arrived!

Field of Passion and Dreams
Book One of The Field Series
Release Date – November 2, 2016


Graham Grayson is a hard worker and all around gentlemen. His dream to play in the majors like his dad just came true. He was called up to be the catcher for the Pittsburgh Buccaneers. On the day of team photos, he meets photojournalist Jordan Michaela Roy.

Still grieving the loss of her dad, Jordan sets aside emotions and memories of her sports reporter father to find her passion again on the field as a sports photojournalist. While working spring training for Major League Baseball, she never anticipates passion igniting off the field, too.

Neither Graham nor Jordan can deny their explosive attraction or the happiness they feel being with each other. Their fathers’ past friendship has them wondering about destiny.

While they worry about the demands of their careers, traveling, and being in the public eye, nothing can prepare Graham for the devastating news that makes him question life, his dream, and love.

Will Graham realize his mistakes before it is too late?

*coming soon to other sites

Story Excerpt
Jordan realized she was downing her berry martini way too fast, hoping Mike would go away or the drink would magically make him disappear—or at least make this conversation less excruciating. Actually, to be a conversation, two people would have to be participating. Mike was the only one talking and all about himself. It seemed to be his favorite subject.
No such luck. The martini did not possess the magical powers she was hoping for.
She tried walking away a few times, but he boxed her in each time. She also attempted to get Neal’s attention who was too busy on the other side of the large room. She didn’t want to make a scene, but she also had dignity. A fine balance Jordan was struggling with at the moment because she was certain this man didn’t hear the word “no” very often. He was so full of himself, she was beginning to find it humorous. She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at him. Jordan cussed at her tendency to laugh when she was in a bizarre situation. She had done it the other day during Graham’s photo session when he complimented her. Although she found that to be a different kind of ridiculous.
She downed the rest of her drink and set it on the bar when she felt a warm hand on the small of her back. As the heat rushed through her, she immediately knew who it was before she even turned around.
“There you are. I’ve been looking for you.”
She turned to see Graham standing beside her. He pressed a soft, sweet kiss to her cheek. The moment—the sensation—left her stunned at first, then tingling all over. How in the world did he ignite so much in her with a simple touch?
She gazed up and down his body, admiring how handsome he looked in his suit.
“May I have this dance?” he kindly asked.
She looked at Mike with the smirk he had on his face—one she would love to wipe off. Then she turned to Graham, smiled and said ever-so-politely, “I would love to.”
He took her hand, kissed the top of it and led her to the dance floor. He was such a gentleman. He drew her into his arms and began moving her around so naturally. The man could definitely dance.
“Mike should thank you, you know. I was close to decking him.”
Graham chuckled. “I don’t doubt it. It would have been fun to watch.”
Jordan’s lips curved. There was something special about Graham. She felt it but couldn’t begin to comprehend it. The more she was around him, the more she wanted to discover just what it was, despite the need to stay focused on her job.
“Thank you for coming over, but I didn’t need to be rescued.”
“I know you didn’t.”

Adult Excerpt
Her tongue slid into his mouth. The taste of the bittersweet lemonade from her meal still lingered on her lips. With her arms and legs wrapped around him, he moved a few steps forward and pressed her up against the wall. She moved a little and sank down on him.
Graham groaned out his pleasure. “Damn, you feel so fucking good.”
He rocked into her and prized the feeling of her naked body relying on his strength to hold her. He knew she was a strong woman, but having her like this—giving him her whole body—made him want to pleasure her forever.
He dipped his head down, sucked on her breasts and was rewarded with her moan. She moved her hands through his hair, keeping his head down to show him where she wanted his attention at the moment. He felt her muscles start to twitch.
“Oh God, Graham.”
He met her lips, and their tongues played wildly. He thrust harder, banging their bodies against the wall. Her pussy squeezed him as she soared through her orgasm pulling him right along as they panted each other’s name.
Sweaty and thoroughly pleased, he took a step away from the wall, slid out of Jordan and set her down on her feet. Her arms lingered around him as they caught their breath. She placed a sweet kiss on his lips.
“How long do you think the fireworks will last?”
Her sincere tone held so much hope. She truly was an open, honest woman.
“I hope forever,” he answered truthfully and kissed her forehead.

Other books by



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Page Turners – Volume 2

****Back by Popular Demand – PAGE TURNERS presented to you by Blue Whiskey Publishing****

In Page Turners, you’ll get the skinny on romance books ranging in genre from contemporary to erotica to paranormal shifters and countless more. Browse the pages of this informative magazine and find the love story you’ve been searching for.

NOTE: Authors wishing to be featured in a future PAGE TURNERS publication can message Susan Fisher Davis. Please note that spaces are limited and slots are booked in advance.

Love this Author ~

I cried, AGAIN! This crazy, faithful, passionate, amazing, and talented woman, who I am so fortunate to call my friend, has done it to me again. Ripped my heart out and gutted me. Left me in a blubbering heap in the middle of floor. I need more Kleenex and more wine. No, screw the wine. Just bring me some whiskey; the whole damn bottle please.

I read, A LOT. I have read numerous Indie Authors, but there is always one, without fail, whose words can reach deep within and dance on every fiber of my being. Every time I open one of her books, I never reach the end coming out as the same person as I was, when I started. She has the ability to pull you into a story and make you feel every raw emotion that she poured into her words, page after page. I also love her writing style. It is unique in its own way. She is so raw and straightforward. Every character is so REAL. And she has the ability to get right to the point, but still paint you a vivid picture that keeps you intrigued and not wanting to stop.

When I read her books, I feel like I’m sitting face to face with her, listening to her tell me the story. I can hear her excitement. I feel the sting of her harsh reality. I laugh at her snarky banter. And when she breaks open and cries, I see that too, and I do it with her.

Love your sass, your flare, and your fire Kristina Canady.

Author of the Lunar Eclipse Series & An Affliction of Falling Series
(Valorous, vol 2 is the book that just sent me seeking whiskey, and hugs….)

​A new MUST READ Magazine! 

Authors supporting each other, that’s what it’s all about! Author Susan Fisher-Davis designed PAGE TURNERS, by Blue Whiskey Publishing, to help all of you dedicated book lovers out there find your next book world to lose yourself in. This online magazine opens the door to new talented Authors that write in your most sought after genres: paranormal, romance, contemporary, erotica, this magazine has it all! We hope you’ll take a look and find your next favorite author and book! And thank you Susan for your hard work and dedication to helping support all of us! ❤

Thirteen years~

Thirteen years ago today
I had no idea it would be too late
To tell you that I loved you once more
Or to see you walk through my open door.

To call you up and say hello
Oh Mom why did you have to go
I’ll never forget when I got the call
I’ll never forget how it felt to fall.

My heart broke in half and was ripped in two
The night I had to say goodbye to you
Watching you lay there, so peaceful as if asleep
I grabbed hold of my chest and fell to my knees.

My final goodbye
I wasn’t prepared
As I cried by your bedside
None of this was fair.

Please don’t take my mom
Please bring her back
Please God I can’t take it
The ground beneath me  cracked.

Since you’ve been gone
It’s never been the same
Since you’ve been gone
I still feel the pain.

I love you so much
There’s still so much I want to say
Thirteen years isn’t enough time
It still feels like just yesterday.

Copyright ©2016 –ND White